scared

dont know why i should be........ but i am........... im afraid to go out the door, to go to new places, to go to places i used to enjoy.............. im afraid that if i tell the new doctor that he will committ me again............... im afraid that aaron will committ me again. I dont know whats causing it. i thought when i left the hospital i was going to be ok, but it seems my phobias are just getting worse............. could it be just the season, and the memories around this time???? i logically have no reason to fear aaron, hes not going to hurt me. he might be tough on me right now, but i guess i deserve that one. im kinda of his nightmare right now after 18 years.

is it a spiritual thing or just chalk it up to chemical imbalances that are yet to be discovered. was a week inside the hospital enough time? Do i need to go back again>>?? all i know is i cant live my life using my calming technique since the only thing that calms me is a hot shower, and well cant take that many showers a day or thered be no hot water ever.

black out

i know i had a memory today of wayne, during this time of year i always remember him, it was during this time of year that i was with him. He was the worst i ever had, but i kept going back to him, i didnt know better. the memory was bad enough i dont remember being at church, or going to the store to check my bloodpressure, or coming home. this is riduclous.
to try to stay current is been impossible i had to write 2008 on my white boards, to remind me. i hope the doctor can give me something for the anxiety during the day. and tell me how to deal with the memories, if not jay and i will be working back on them and im afraid that will set me off again..........................

HELLLOOOOOOOOO MCFLY

I SHOULD HAVE LEFT WELL ENOUGH ALONE. I SHOULDNT HAVE EVEN CALLED. BUT NO I THOUGHT MY SISTER WOULD BE SUPPORTIVE OF ME OR AT LEAST GIVE ME KIND WORDS NOT
"YOU JUST NEED JESUS IN YOUR HEART INSTEAD OF TAKING MEDICATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
OHHH JUST WAIT IT FREAKING GETS BETTER, SHE ALSO ASKED ME WHO I THOUGHT ABUSED ME AS A KID........... HELLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I KNOW WHO ABUSED ME AS A KID................................ SHE GOES ON TO SAY THAT SHE THINKS MY FATHER DID WHEN I WAS A KID.................................... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I DONT REMEMBER THAT............. I CANT FATHOM THAT................................................. I CANT EVEN IMAGINE HIM DOING THAT..................................................... HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DOESNT SHE REALIZE IM FRESH OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND TRYING TO STAY OUT OF IT???????/ WHAT THE HELL WAS SHE THINKING???????????????????????

NOW I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS THOUGHT IN MY BRAIN, AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO GET IT OUT, I SURE AS HELL CANT EXPLORE THE IDEA, I SURE AS HELL CANT JUST UP AND ASK HIM IF HE ABUSED ME.........................................

AS FAR AS FAMILY GOES I FINALLY HAVE PROVEN TO MYSELF THAT I HAVE NO ONE............... ITS ME MYSELF AND I ................................... FAMILY CANT BE TRUSTED................................ EVER AGAIN........................

SOME THANKGIVING ONLY ONE IN MY LIFETIME HAS BEEN WITHOUT A FIGHT OR ANYTHING BAD HAPPENING AND THAT WAS LAST YEARS AT HER DAUGHTERS.

WHATEVER

why cant i remember

brain is like mush, i should know how to fix a turkey dinner......... frustration if these are the pills at work IDONT WNAT THEM NO MORE............. how can someone function if they are like this........ i cant remember nothing, and i cant keep calling and running to the neighbors. I dont know maybe something else is wrong with me. this just sucks and im about to lose it.

i dont know why i cant keep current

frustrations, and anger abound
cant stay in the current year, time means nothing. and if i do do somthing then it has to be precisly on time and to the minute. I dont know why it is that way. I know it should seem i should be able to stay current in the year but not with my mothers voice in my head the memories of her yelling at me for being sick, the memories of her yelling at me for taking medications, I want to get better im trying i really am.............. im overwhelemed with the kitchen it hasnt been kept up since i washed a few dishes on whatever day it was, dad is supposed to help most of those arent even mine. I dont know where to start, had to have a neightbor come and help me organize my food pantry, we put stuff i needed for tomrrow in a box to make it easier. I dunno why i cant do simple things, its like im learning all over again on how to do things. or even what to do. I dont understand the first step to process anything.
it was easier in the hospital. didnt have anything to worry about other then the times they told you where to be and what you were going to be doing. I dont understand im confused.

seeing things for the first time

the last few days its like im seeing things for the first time ever. I never relized all these years i was on auto pilot so much to where i dont know where things are or how to get places, or whatever........................

though i dont like being slow, i know that the meds are working, although today is a confusion day, i cant talk right and im nervouse about going to church. maybe that will pass i dunno i hope.

sleepless night and affection

had a sleepless night tonight, well ok that aint true, i did sleep for 7 hours, but i woke up early , and so did dad, he came into my room crying asking me if i was ok...... Ya im fine, i just dont sleep sometimes. then to give me a hug and cry i love you......... blah, are you feeling guilty??? why all of a sudden are you worried about it??? my dad never gave me affection as a kid, never once helped me as a kid, and certainly never was there for me as a kid, so why as an adult would i be able to accept his affection now???

you came back to me

you knew in your heart that things were bad,
you came back to me.
theres a tie that goes deeper then just normal brother sister relationship, even though we are 5 years apart its like we have this twin thing going.
im so glad you are going to be in my life again. ive missed you and need you so much.

the psych hospital

i never knew how sick i was until i was admitted to a psych hospital. I had a major breakdown, and tried to hurt myself. i dont remmeber much ecept i told my friend "I cant promise you ill be safe, and i cant promise i wont hurt myself, and i wont make it till tuesday." One night in the ER half a day in the ER, then going to another place, which was supposed to be 24 hour help, wasnt, back to the ER till late, then off to the psych hospital.
It wasnt like i thought it was, i was met by friendly staff people, was able to eat, slept as late as i wanted the first day anyways, and could sleep as much as i wanted the first two days. By the third day iw as going to classes, and learning stuff, Hopefully i can cope without too much trouble out here. Plans are in place, things getting done, I know God is good, because he allowed me to ask for help. What the devil ment for evil God is going to turn it for good someday. He allowed me to cheer someone up while in there using sign language. and gave me good contacts for after. Im glad it happend, though i pray i dont go through it again. I have to remmber medications arent the enemy Not being on PROPER meds is.

need a little help and being sued

ofcourse i know that things are not going to go away just because i dont face them. but the fact remains you were on the loan as a cosigner, you are responsible too, if not for legal purposes, for moral.......... oh ya i forgot you dont have any morals because if you did, you wouldnt have let me do what i did. and you would have known i was not in the right frame of mind to be doing of what i did, or spend what i spent. but no you let me and my dad spend over 3,000 on your ass and you are getting away with it. doesnt matter i hope you rot. now im being sued for it and i dont have anything to say to the judge except i dont know how it happend, or why it happend, and when i have tried to make payment arragments they wouldnt take what i could give...........

whatever


helping around the house i get none,,,,,,,, no wonder im tired all the damn time.

i dont know why

i dont know why i go into a no touch zone, after three good days.......... i dont know why i yell at ppll and it sounds like me when its not thats the DID its how it works. there is no ryme or reason. it just is

AMERICA IS GOING TO HELL

AMERICA IS GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET. WITH THE NEW ELECTED PRESIDENT WHO HAS A SHADY PAST (ANYONE WHO TRIES TO HIDE HOW THEY WERE RAISED IS SHADY TO ME) WHO IS IN FAVOR OF ABORTION, AND WHO MAINLY DOESNT SALUTE THE FLAG, OR PLEDGE TO THE FLAG, OR BELIEVE IN GOD........... MARK MY WORDS WE WILL HAVE BLOOD ON OUR HANDS.

opening of pandoras box

going to therapy, making good progress i guess, some things come out that have been needed to come out for a long time.............. but now that the memories are flooding out, and we are tring to get stablization, to function, the news comes that ill have to start paying. which i should be lucky t only pay a small fee, but no income equals no money right now. we open pandoras box of memories, sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, and now because i cant afford it i have to clos those memories off somehow and try to live >??? how does that work??? because so far it hasnt worked. wWhat good is having a grant that is supposed to give free counseling and not use it.

frustration

frustrations come in different forms to me right now, thinking i lost my makeup being the most pressing, now burning the lasgna is another. I vent when im frustrated, im not thinking of others when im venting. but do any of us?? I know having a tv isnt important except right now it would help my sanity. makeup no normally i dont need makeup except when i do my yearly dressup. I do think most of the time when im not in a rut or funk, or whatever think of others. and help those.

Lost and Found, and still out of Reach

three years has gone by. not a day goes by that i dont think of you. wonder where you are, how you are, what you are doing. if you got married yet. if you still are driving delievery trucks for hazard waste material. wonder about the kids, the oldest should be about 17 or 18 ya? the other two i wonder about them too. then i sit and i wonder what really happend to make you leave me? what sin did i commit, what wrong did i do for you to go out of my life yet again? I try to piece it together, but i cant. I know she didnt like me and i didnt trust her, i know my ex friend had a thing for you, and you flirted with her, NOW that ex friend isnt in the picture i wonder if said friend made it all up, but you were fed lies too; so you took the easy out and stopped talking to me. I know im a little much to handle, ive got a lot that the normal person shouldnt have to deal with in thier lifetime, and i know i was a burden on you when we were together last. If you were here in my life, id tell you, i love you and i have misssed you, id tell you wish i could tell you im better, but actually im not ive been getting worse and worse. I wish i could tell you that everything is going to be ok with me, but i cant. because i dont know when or if it ever will be. I wish i can tell you i found that one lady who took our last day together away with her lies, and caused my last breakdown. Theres so much i wish i could tell you. How i need you back in my life, because just the sound of your voice puts me at ease. How i need you back to help me deal with the one you put away. Then id sit and and id tell you that I dont mean to be sick, i dont mean to have all thats wrong with me wrong with me. Id tell you that i am a good person, on my good days. Id tell you that I need you in my life again so i can get better. id tell you that no matter what happens, who i am at the time, who or what comes out of me, i always love you, even when i was little and knew of you but you didnt know i exsisted. You and i had a connection over the course of my life, and somehow it got broken, i dont feel safe anymore, you were always there at least somehow i was always able to feel you; but havent for a couple of years. I need you back in my life so despartly right now, i hope that you get that message my friend left for you, and i hope you do call me back.

So its easy to talk to some but not others?

today i told youth pastor what was going on with me, because for some odd ball reason i trust him, maybe it ws the week in california together we had on the missions trip. or maybe because he was a soilder at one time and knows a little of PTSD. I dunno, But why was i able to trust him and not my own pastor. Is it because 4 years ago he helped me>?? Then why was i able to tell the other husband and wife team that i dont know well, but they work with abuse victims, sooo is that why??? I dont know and dont understand why im able to vent to others and others i just wish they wouldnt press it. Why am i scared of other ppl but yet im not scared of certain ones.???

I saw you standing there

Ok so maybe you thought you could hide forever. Or maybe you thought i was so messed up that i would forget what you looked like, or how you walked, or whatever. It looks like you can walk now, without aid. When I saw you walking down the street i immediately knew who you were. For 4 years i havent forgotton your face, its been ingraned into me, and what you did to me. Keeping my family, and church friends away from me, Keeping me dopped up on pills to where all i did for two to three weeks is sleep. And when i did wake up i didnt have any clothese on? Give me a break. What hell did you put me through? YOu had my head spinning so fast you said i had tried to kill you, or that i was going to drive us over a cliff, And you have my medical records so messed up that i dont know what i am or am not allergic too anymore. Its because of you that I dont and cant trust any woman, You are the sickest person i know... claiming to be a christian, and then at a weakest moment taking me and using me for whatever pleaseure you got out of it. I hope to hell it haunts you. I will find a way for justice to be served. I might not be able to prove that you stole from me, but i will find a way of getting justice and the truth out of you. I know where you are at now, you better be watching for me, because it wont be pretty. Heaven knows ppl like you dont deserve the ground you slowly walk on.

****wrote this out of disgust and anger, its all talk when it comes down to it, the law is the law, and statutes of limitations are over, so she can go on free as a bird., I can only hope her brain will remember what she did to me, and can hope and pray she will have nightmares over it, and will come clean one day.**********

Song at the right time

A friend sent me this song, and it speaks volumes to me right now, and even im at peace for the moment..,.....



Love In His Right Hand
Sung by: Michael W. Smith

he accepts you at your worst
he is hoping for the best
jesus loves you
jesus loves you
he will never ever leave
he will never ever forsake
jesus loves you
jesus loves you
he is proud of who you are
and he has faith in who you'll become
he's not like us he loves you just because
he's not like us he loves you just because
broken hearted do you want your healin'
oh trust again
there is love at his right hand
broken hearted do you want your healin'
oh trust again
there is love at his right hand
he believes your dreams are true
and what a plan for you
jesus loves you
jesus loves you
when you want to walk away
he is asking you to stay
jesus loves you
jesus loves you
you will never be alone
he's made your heart his loving home
he's not like us he loves you just because
he's not like us he loves you just because

broken hearted do you want your healin'
oh trust again
there is love at his right hand
broken hearted do you want your healin'
oh trust again
there is love at his right hand

oh trust again there is love at his right hand
broken hearted do you want your healin'
oh trust again
there is love at his right hand
broken hearted do you want your healin'
oh trust again
there is love at his right hand
oh trust again there is love at his right hand

it has a name

this spot im in has a name, its called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. very common with trauma victims, its just not for soldiers anymore. We mapped out at least 8 events in my life, im sure not even all of them were mentioned yet. now we have to dig into these events to get me to feel normal again to the way i relate to the world. So it doesnt feel like my world is stopping. going to get intense real fast. we will see how it goes. i dont know what to feel now, or how to feel. my mania is simmered down, but that could be because i have a cold, adn my body is tired. I dont know.

ants

ants might be no big deal for someone who doesnt panic, but i panic and to me they are the nastiest thing alive. id rather see spiders then ants. all the managment of this house can say is oh well stop spraying and let the trapps take the poison back to the nest. hello cant put a trap in the stove or oven, cant put a trap down the damned sink......... so whatever ill keep trapping and spraying and they can go to hell, but the day i get overrun, with them again is the day there will be hell to pay. If i lose the bit of sanity i got left, over this believe me there will be hell to pay. freaking low income housing sucks in this matter.

so i understand a little

so maybe your side isnt as bad as it seemed. maybe i understand that you are a loving person, and that you dont relize how physcial touch means death to me right now. I see your side how the normal situation is to give love physically by touching, and how right now im flipping the tables that say NO. What else do you want?? And then to answer me with a little space is OK for now?? OMG do you know what that does. it says a little but im still going to touch you. So then i get it all out, and vent and am told a little is all you can give, and i will respect your space.

then why does it still feel like ive been violated???

Church SAFE part two

To make matters a little more complicated lets add the fact that the person who evaluated me at the hospital a week ago goes to church at the same place and time. Lets add that today there ws only two spots left for him and his wife to sit and they were smack dab infront of me. I dont know if he is playing like he dont know me, or he doesnt want to set me off or hinder me anymore, but good grief GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Church SAFE???

Church....... Safe Place ya??? Thats what is preached?? So define your understanding of SAFE. To me SAFE means we arent going to make you do anything you dont want to do, or dont want to have happen. SAFE Means if I DONT WANT TO BE TOUCHED THEN YOU BETTER NOT TOUCH ME AND RESPECT ME, even if its a hug, or a side hug, ILL LET YOU KNOW WHEN ITS SAFE TO TOUCH ME. To me right now you just blew the biggest, safest place i know. YOu became a threat to me. And You are the one person im supposed to trust with this stuff. How can I do that if you touch me, when i dont want to be touched???? In logical minds Church is the safe place, and I know somewhere in my head no one is going to hurt me there. Or that you arent going to hurt me. But that doesnt stop my panic from being less, I panic because i dont know why. So next time i say DONT TOUCH ME please DONT TOUCH ME unless i offer my hand for a handshake.

and then it blew up in my face

went a day and a half with having a good day, was able to laugh and joke and feel ok. the last night it blew up in my face at the kids halloween party. all it took was being around the loud noise, and the balloons popping, and screaming girls who didnt want a toy gun aimed at them. Course no one else saw what i saw, they didnt think it was a problem. HELLO you dont allow that type of stuff. so it made me edgy, No structure didnt help either. The kids were not listening at all. I just couldnt handle it. Was able to help two kids and that was it when they needed a friend. So it made me agitated. I wont be going and helping with another party at all.then my dad pissed me off and set me off by teling me where he was going and what he ws doing. cable got shut off in the middle of the night. and now its taking forever to turn it on. the urge to cutt is there, and though i promised someone i wouldnt its still there.

im supposed to do wha??

counseling yesturday went well, i think. I was talking so fast im not sure what i got out and what i didnt get out. I know i covered i didnt feel validated at the hospital much. and made to feel like an idiot because i cant work. So Jay told me to work on coming up with things that he would tell me. In other words Me sit in his chair and thing about what i said and come up with things he should tell me from his perspective. OYVEY. You want me to do wha?? How am i supposed to know what to say. I dont know Ill think about it and give it a try i guess. ve never heard of it but will try it. I just wish i could remember what i said. that might help.

Panic attacks Hospitals, and People who dont listen

the last few days have been filled with pure panic. I dont know where they came from or what spurred them on. Normal ppl can say stop panicking, you wont die, everything is ok...... Ya?? That doesnt help. I know theres nothing to panick about really. But that doesnt help when im in the middle of one. Because last nights was so bad I went into the hospital for some help I was given some xanax and then they tell me : To walk 10 minutes a day. That will help you. UM NEWSFLASH WERE YOU LISTENING WHEN I SAID I GET LOST EASILY OR IM AFRAID TO GO IN PUBLIC??? OR lets try this one: Are you afraid you are going to hurt yourself?? UMM I DONT KNOW IF IM AFRAID, BUT I AM THINKING ABOUT CUTTING AGAIN??????? Hellloooooo moron, Cutting might be different from a plan of sucide, But it still means im a small risk to myself if the feelings are there. And then there is the big one because they made me feel like crap because I havent been able to get into see my counselor for three weeks. NO EXCUSE they said. THANKS IDIOT YOU JUST MADE ME FEEL WORSE THEN WHEN I CAME IN. Oh and lets give you a prescription to get you over the worst, then call this number so you can see someone regularly. HELLO I JUST TOLD YOU I HAVE NO INSURANCE NO WAY OF PAYING FOR SAID STUFF, HELP ME OUT HERE, FIND SOMETHING. Of course thier response was SORRY DONT KNOW HOW TO HELP WITH THAT. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

i ment

in my former post i wrote how ppl get thier justice after years the word came out accusers instead of abusers. thought id let you all know where i was going with that.

life comes to a screeching hault

Ok maybe it hasnt. But I feel like it has. It seems to me i cant think, talk, walk, or function at all like i used to. I snap at people for no reason, and if i do have a reason violence is at the forfront, and im apt to deck someone. Im tired of feeling like there is nothing out there for me. Like ill never be better, and that this life of nothingness is all im apt for. Im tired of living with past memories of things that have happend to me growing up. Im tired of being told that i need to just get over it. Well you know what>? I cant just get over it after 28 years. Its ingrained into me. Im tired of ppl being able to go back 30 years and bring thier accusers to some type of justice, Here i sit hoping that i can do that too; only to be told that statutes of Limitations have run out after i turned 21. Is there Justice out there? Is there life out there? Am i ever going to stop being afraid to just handle simple tasks. Which i guess is truly a true thing that ppl go through, and i should feel better that i have a window of insight to this, But in some way it only makes me feel worse; funny, i was asked what i was feeling when we discovered this window, i told the therapist I didnt know, hows that for delayed reaction. Course everything in my life has been delayed reaction. Delayed feelings, delayed growing up, delayed this delayed that. story of my life. Then theres the wondering will i be schitzophrenic like my mothers side of the family? or will i ever be sane. Or is this stuff just going to get worse and worse and me ending up in a mental hospital doped up to where i dont give a damn about nothing. thats all i got this week.
So till next week america

The WHY in midst of pain.

When sensless things happen we are always going to ask WHY? Why him? Why this family? Why God did you let this happen? Sometimes we never get an answere. Sometimes there is no answere. But every once in a while God decides to share the WHY answer with us. This week in the middle of our WHY questions we got our answer. We know now that God needed our friend to save a life of a little girl, with his heart and kidneys. He is now an angel looking down and smiling. It still is hard to say goodbye, we will go through the pain of the service, seeing his family, knowing that this is forever. But one day we will be able to look at this like God needed him, and we know it wasnt in vain; it will one day help the pain go away, maybe not totally, but at least the sting of it.

grief, confusion, and media lies

when grieving over someone dying, its not supposed to be so dramatic. its not supposed to be this back and forth thing, "yes he did; no he didnt; yes he did." Its either he did or he didnt. you take one news cast that reports that he died on sunday, and then the family was like really? news to us. Its been a mess to say the least. unfortunatly its caused a lot of confusion where some of his friends are so confused they dont know how to let go now. they dont want to let him go. Understandable. Its been one loop after another after an other on this rollercoaster. But now that we know he is in heaven, it should be easier to grieve. Just feel bad for these kids who have had to grieve once, twice, three times now over this. Sooo I dont know.

HOW? WHY? WHERE ARE YOU GOD?

I don't understand you sometimes God. You are supposed to be a just God, a merciful God. But how are you when tragedy stikes, especially twice in a family. Why is this happening to this family. What did they do to deserve this? Where are you God?? Those are good questions and they are valid. I wish i knew the answers. Our church friends has a son who got trapped in a sand tunnel him and the other kids were digging, he was the last one out and got trapped for 20 minutes without oxygen. He is now in a strange hospital, in a strange town, with doctors he doesnt know around him. He is on lifesupport with no chances of making it back as his brain is dead. His family is with him. But this isnt fair Its not supposed to happen to him. They went through this 15 years ago when the eldest got struck by a car and was in a coma for a long time, though he made it ok, other then being a quad now for the rest of his life. IF there is NO improvement They will think about taking him off lifesupport. THATS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME GOD I WANT TO SEE A MIRACLE!!!!!! I WANT TO SEE ZAC PLAY AND JUMP WITH OUR YOUNGER KIDS AGAIN. But at the same time I am thinking of the song by Wayne Watson, At the Ultimate healing WE will be HOME FREE. Praying for a miracle is great, its what God wills that we have to pray for thats tough. And it hurts to pray for that. But we must.

A time to let go

our friend Al is going back home to boston. While we wished it could have worked out better here, we know that God brought him here for a season. and now that season is for a time of letting go. we pray everyday for divine intervention, and protection over Al. definatly been a learning experiance.

Let the Words of my Mouth

a Friend got hurt last night. Even though i have not known this friend long, it still pains me to see that he got hurt. It hurts even worse knowing he was hurt by people from church. He hasnt been saved very long, and we have all known him only for 8 weeks. Sure theres bound to be mistakes on all parties. But that goes without saying that when we are leading someone down the path to Christ, or discipling them, we arent to be brash, and hard, and full of religous lingo that they cant understand. Ya tell them that thier mistakes are wrong, but dont judge them for it. Leave the Judging to God. Better yet, dont try to correct the person, when you yourself are known for acting one way in church, and then another way in life. WE are to LIVE our LIVES 24-7-365 for Christ, as Christ would have us live. And that means if someone is having a rough day, or night, and sinning, but yet you are sinning also,, DO NOT CORRECT THEM TILL YOU CORRECT YOURSELF.
now i dont know all that happend, but i know that major damage has been done to my friend. and he is hurting so deeply old habits are returning. Ya he made mistakes, but you know what, we knew this going into this thing, that he wasnt perfect, and could have troubles. So why then did we accept him. if we are only going to tear him down. ----------------------------------- Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable unto you Lord.

The Story Goes On

I cannot believe its been one month almost since we departed to go to the Dream Center. It was so short ago, yet it seems so long ago. Our story continues with our friend Al. He did get out of Santa Monica and Los Angeles; Instead of going to Boston he came here to Oregon. In the three weeks since we left him, he has come a long way. He still has a long way to go but we all do. He cannot wait to start afresh with everything.

As for me I have noticed a change also, maybe not perfect yet in everything; but we never will be. I tend to get more compassionate when i see the hungry on the street, and im not so quick to judge of how they got there. Im not so quick to judge those who are in line at the food box line.

dream center trip

We learned that God is the God of the Impossible. It is HIM Not us.
My trip to LA and the Dream Center. Ill try to give day by day events but oy when you are there the days and what you do run together.

I will start with Monday we traveled to LA, went to INandOUT burgers (apparently its famous place in california, there is only a few things on their menue but everything is fresh. and Celebs eat there, though we didn't see any that day). WE checked into the Dream Center, got our ID tags, and then we went to Hollywood BLVD, (old Hollywood because its yucky and dirty, that is why when you see stars getting their walk of fame star they have curtains everywhere, and why they travel down the red carpet a ways to get to the theater.) Anyways a little trivia, the Kodak Theater, home of the Oscars, and Emmys, is actually inside a shopping mall. there is 45-57 steps to climb to go into it. (yes we counted) The walk of fame the little bit we saw, was Spencer Tracy's, Susan Lucci's, Brittany Spears, BILLY GRAHAM, Amy Grants, Whoopi's, Nathan Lane, George Lopez. shoot that's just in a short block. Right next door was the Chinese Theater where they get their prints in cement. Johnny Depp's feet and mine are the same size Ovey! So many stars of yesturyear, Shirley Temple, Dick Van Dyke, a lot of the old cowboys, a lot of the old greats, Marcho Grouch. I hope the kids that took pictures of it come out, because my camera was left behind in the room. LOL. So that was easy and light day.

Our days starts at 5am, to get in line for the showers, Breakfast in the Dream Center Cafeteria is always at 7am, and if you arent there by 730 you are out of luck. The Cafeteria is run by what they call the Dream Center Disciples,They wear black tshirts, that say Dream Center Disciples, and these are the guys and gals that are in the treatment program they have at the Dream Center. You are not allowed to talk to them, other then Hi, and maybe Hows it going when they ask you when you are gettimg your food, or throwing away your tray of food. Because you don't know where they are in the program or what they are struggling with. A lot of Carbs for each meal a lot of sugar, because of the treatment program. But its ok. Everything they eat there and make there is donated. They do not pay for any food whatsoever. (so sometimes its not that great, but because you are hungry you eat and take a gamble things are ok, though we learned soy yogurt that's been frozen is icky) The best meal really we had was a donated dinner from
The Olive Garden.

Tuesday--- after we toured the Dream Center facilities, we went out to Macgather Park to hand out Hispanic version flyers, that told of services provided by the Dream Center. This park before the dream center started had over 30 bodies being pulled out of the lake in it a week, drugs were rampant, and now its cleanerl crime rate isnt as much, and the cops say a lot of it is to do with the work of the Dream Center. The leader of the group his name was Richard, He is a living wonder. He used to have it all, a good job, a good life, but he never found where he fit, He did the homosexual thing, and then his friend introduced him to Meth, in two weeks he spiraled down, ended up in the streets, and then he found the Dream Center, went through the program, and now is in leadership. We cleaned up the park as we handed out the flyers, I got stopped by L.A.'s finest; and as soon as i said we were with the Dream Center they said ohh cool, just be careful of what you pick up. The mexicans in the park, were laughing at us, White ppl picking up their trash that they left behind. A couple of them were humbled. Most were drunk. And one older Man kept looking me up and down, and so i quickly ran to Richard, and hung by him for the duration. He said that was smart. So Tuesday was our light day sorta speak.

Wednesday--- We went to Skid Row in the morning, to spread the word about a meal at the homeless drop in center at the Volunteers of America Center. Now compared to Skid Row in Portland, and even Reno's; L.A.'s was wow. To see and smell it made me wonder how i was going to get to the next block without throwing up. You would see business owners bleaching the streets, and cleaning up what the homeless deposited on their driveways or doors. It was just awestriking to see ppl live this way. There was a couple of ladies that Ill never forget Iris, she has brain damaged because her dad used to beat her up when she was a child, then when she ran away to Hollywood, she got trapped into the prostitution, and her pimp would beat her if she didn't pay up or work enough he made her deaf. She kept asking for prayers, but she doesn't think God can heal her. It was very hard to listen to, and very hard to not get into a debate of yes he can or no he wont. We met this other lady Named Laday she saw our team leader Matt, and was like Dream Center that's my church that's my Pastor Matthew, ohhh I just love that church its my church. She said you know what God is never going to dissapoint you, he is never going to let you go, he is always going to be with you.
We Prayed for continued healing for Her, She inturned prayed over us, how we are not going to be the tail but the head, blessings over us. It was impactful i cried so much. Just amazing.

In the afternoon we went back to the drop in center for serving the meal. I was on the foodline, while in the food line our eyes had to be straight at ppl. but we didn't talk to them, because the other team members were back there doing that. Once the food line was done, we were able to go and talk to different ones, There was a man, who the team thought was bothering or causing trouble, when infact all Marco wanted to do was know what was being said. I got to use my sign and tell him where were from, what was being said, what was going on. He calmed down. I hope i did ok, because some signs in California are dilected different (used differently). But God knows and im sure gave me the power to do so. Because without him truly we wouldn't have done nothing we have done so far.
At night there was a couple of choices for outreaches, we went to Santa Monica Pier. (no not to have fun). Anways we went with their partner group (not officially of the dream center but only uses the dream center facilities) to minister or as they call it evangelize tot he homeless. Many in our group including me, had a problem with them carrying the cross to do this. It was also hard, to say here come listen to a message of hope at the cannon and then we will give you free meal. Come on the gospel is free. SO it was a little unsettleing. I couldn't tell if it was my flesh getting int he way or if it was God telling me to hang back and watch and pray. I did for the most part, I did get brave enough to talk to a couple of different homeless ppl. But mostly i prayed for the area, I prayed for our team members to make connections, and we did. We got to reconnect with a friend they made last year, who is trying to figure things out. and then we met Al. and let me tell you it was divine intervention when we met him. But ill go more into that later. And I got to learn that just because someone sounds sincere they are not. Cowboy, is a homeless man from Hurricane Katrina, He was telling me he lost everything in it, his family his house, everything. Came to Los Angeles for work, but ended up at Santa Monica and been on the streets ever since. He said God has used me so much on the streets he has seen me through, and got me cleaned. I don't have any tracks man look at this. He rooled up his arms and no no tracks. It was sad though the next day i saw him when we were down there again, and he was flying so high it wasn't funny. I pray for him.

Thursday---- was a really really light day. but yet in the morning it was difficult. We went to Care Home. And this is a program that they are trying to get up and running again. We go with one of the pastors, and go hang out with the patients of the care home, while he talks to them. It was very hard at first, none of us wanted to move. But as the morning went on, we were intermingling with the patients. This one little lady held onto me so tight i thought i was going to die. But she was so sweet, kept saying child never look to the left or right keep your eyes on Jesus, and he will never fail you. It was very hard to leave them. After that we went to the discipleship program to do a bible study, and got to learn the frustration the pastor has when not everyone shows up, or they show up late. But he taught, and though we were all trying hard not to fall asleep. it was a very easy morning. In the afternoon we teamed up with METROKIDS INTERNATIONAL, and went to a school location, and did mini kids church programs, and gave away lots of stuff to the moms and dads. It was a great program.
In the evening it was midweek service at the church, Angeles Temple. Now if you have ever watched Pastor Matthew from this church, you would think this place is huge. HA its small. So small infact that when our group moved up to the balcony to sit for service i had a HUGE panic attack because its small and tight up there and high. So i sat down below, and everytime i got up to stretch my seat would be gone, so i made it to the third row, as guest speaker was speaking. God is the God of HERE, and sometimes HERE isnt good, it aint pretty; for most its ugly. But can use your Here and work a miracle in your life. You just got to get out of the way. I went up to the altar call for healing, and other stuff, this lady prayed over me that "You are a pusher, you will push yourself to the very end even if it kills or hurts you. God is telling you to rest tomorrow when the team is out you need to rest. An d know that its ok to Rest even when you go back to your busy life its ok to rest." WOW. She didn't even know that i was planning on staying behind tomrrow morning when the group did the heavy labor stuff. Here the team was getting the divine appointments with who they needed to reach out too, and i was getting divine set ups (like God saying HELLLLOOOO SHARON ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME YET). it was cool. Case in point, the other night At INandOUT everyone on the bottom of their cup got common scriptures *inandout puts scripture references on their fryboats, and cups* like john 316 or psm 119 but ME??? out of 13 ppl i got Nahum 1:7. and i sat on it till Friday morning. but it bugged me until i read it.

Friday------ Food truck where you sort out the food that has arrived in the storage, for hand out. then you go and deliever to whatever area is on the schedule that day. I stayed behind to rest, (and i did get 4 hours of rest) and i read Nahum 1:7: The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble, He knows them that trust in him. WOW. my day of trouble was here now, being in pain, ( i tweeked my back out at the airport twisting my luggage wrong on Monday and the stairs werent helping, course it was DUH sharon, you have only been off crutches a few weeks DOH) but God knew what he was doing.

In the afternoon, the team had another heavy job to do, so once again i stayed behind, only this time I plugged into some behind the scenes stuff. I got to have the great opportunity to call the donors who sponsor and support all we do at the dream center. and theres a chance to pray for the ppl. And there were a few of them that allowed me to pray. one couple even told me their story of how they got married 67 years ago in Angeles Temple. and how its a great great thing that is going on in los angeles. I got to talk to a young girl, who had done exacltly what i was doing, an STM (short term missions) so she was energetic, and shes like lets pray. She prayed over me for healing (she didn't know i needed it) she prayed for strength. and on and on. it was great. I loved it. That part of the trip was my divine appointment. I was in my element. and got to use what God has called me to be a prayer warrior.

In the evening a few of us went back to Santa Monica to go see Al the man that they had met a couple days ago. I didn't know him yet, but he was from Boston, been here for 17 days, looking for his actor brother. couldn't find him. And didn't know what to do. We found Al, and we took to him like family immediately. He kept calling us crazy, why would you help me. We just shared the love of God without preaching. One of the girls felt like she needed to get food for a guy she met the other day also, so as we were at mcdonalds i asked our pastor darrin if i could stay behind because the legs were numb, and he had kevin from our group stay with me. It took them a long time to get back. One of the homeless ppl started or tried to start trouble for the group, and Al started in on him to defend his family. We knew we couldn't let Al be on the streets that night, so we went looking for a hotel. the ones in Santa MOnica were like 100.00 a night we went into LA and found a hotel 3 blocks down from the dream center, and it was cheaper. we put him up and he slept like a baby. After our activities the next day we were on a huge search to find his brother. and we were determine to find him. One of our kids is a whiz kid and found an address for him. We went and some other ppl had moved into the home, but across the street, the neighbors were just getting back from camping, and they asked if we were looking for Sam. They had or used to have his new address, when they couldn't find it, the lady drove us to the new neighborhood he moved into, though was not sure which ones he lived in. We stopped at the first house we were going to go door to door. I looked up and it had a stained glass rose on it, and a squirrle eating in the yard. I looked up to heaven and said Lord, This is the house. Al knocked on the door, and sure enough it was his brother. He hasnt seen him in 40 years. So we got to go in, and he talked about his Theater life, his acting carreer, and how he works at the schools with the kids. He had been in Seinfield, vairous movies, and commercials. But he thanked us for bringing his baby brother to him. unfortunatly his wife was very ugly and didn't want nothing to do with it, so again we had to find a place for AL. He stayed in the car that night, but at least he was off the streets. He will unfortantly be on the streets till Thursday when his Bus goes back to Boston. But still God allowed us to help him. And we will continue to pray for him and be in touch with him as we have that info.

Saturday was what they call Adopt a Block, and we went to south central los angeles, the group leader isnt even supposed to be walking into that nieghborhood but Gods Grace is powerful and protective. I was one of the ones that was chosen to just love on the kids, and hang out with them. It broke my heart to hear the stories of how the oldest child is in charge of siblings when mom and dad are at work or in jail or sick. We don't have projects in Portland, so this was definatly a new experience for me. (as everything was but this was different) to see ppl crowed into a small apartment with many kids. its just WOW. This one kid alex wow he took the cake. he knew every Hannah Montana song, episode, and character. and for a little boy that's kinda weird and strange. and even at age 7 he holds himself to be very feminane, so I pray that the team leaders from the Dream Center would continue to build relationship with him to catch it. So he doesn't have to grow up confused. Ill also not forget him because He is the first kid i had to literally withstrain from hurting him, because he lifted my arms and said you are fat, you eat too much and that's why your got fatt arms. I think i was more stunned then upset, the other girls i was with was like Alex that's not nice. luckily it was time to go before i thought about it too much.

Saturday night was church or their youth service. It was loud, but good,. The guest speaker talked about love. and how everyone looks for it. I kinda tuned out because im not looking for love in a relationship.

Sunday was bus ministry going out to the projects picking up kids for church and then we headed home.

it was such a great time, and for the first time being there i was literally blown away and overwhelmed. Im sure my next trip next year I wont feel as much. But one never knows.

Step into your Calling and LOOK OUT!!!

Today was our last team meeting before next monday and heading down to the Dream Center to serve for a week. I relized that while im excited to go; as ive had this dream for 15 years, I couldnt express nothing today, because i have a stupid cold, and was really worn out.
When i was sleeping last night i woke up to a cartoon from the 70s on TBN, about paul and silas when they stepped into thier callings, they met up with opposistion on all fronts. It hit me today as i was getting ready to go to the meeting that I Must be doing something right if the devil is trying so hard, to get me worn down, and discouraged, and afraid that this cold will not leave in time. Now you can say 'you need to come against it and pray against it.' Well that is true, and i have, and i have been pleeding all the verses as i can thinking of over me. I am healed by the stripes of Jesus, I am victorious in Christ, ect ect...... It is what it is, sometimes you just get sick. Sometimes it hits when the enemy doesnt want you to press on. There used to be a time when i would give up, and say im done, I cant go on. But i have relized that I need to stand against the firery darts of the enemy and pick up the sshield of Faith and Say I dont care whats going on, I dont care if I am sick anylonger, You are not going to win this war IM Going to do what God has called me to do. Be warned now---- When you are about to step into your calling, or even do what God calls you to do, wether it be a missions trip, or simply saying a verse in church, to making amends with a long lost friend; The enemy is going to come in like a flood, But God will Put your feet on dry land, and help you cross over to the other side. so to repeat and steal a slogan from yestueryear, JUST DO IT!!! and LOOK OUT, because when you stepp out, you will meet up with your enemy. But God is bigger just keep that in mind.

When you step out into your Calling WATCH OUT

I am going with a group from my church to Los Angeles in less then 11 days. I have felt unprepared getting ready. Other things just keep coming up, distractions left and right, or this emergancy and that emergancy. The Team as a whole has been hit hard with different things as well. Up till Sunday most of us were way behind on our funds. But when God gives a dream, and when God calls you to do something, He is going to be faithful and just to complete that in all ways. However be warned now, When you start to head in the direction of your calling, you will be hit from all sides, at once it seems. The enemy will attack, he doesnt want you to walk in that calling; he doesnt want you to set the captives free. But be faithful to God and stand on His Word. and everything will fall into place. I have learned that this week. I am fighting a cold, last week i had the flu, the monies were not there on Sunday, on and on and on. But today i went to the church and found I only have a small amount to raise, And that God will complete what he started when he gave me the Dream to go to the Dream Center 10 years ago. Im reminded of the song right now called "He who began a good work in you" Its a simple but yet powerful song, I cant remember all the words at the moment, but the chorus is "He who began a good work in you, will be faithful to complete it, will faithful to complete it He who started the work will be faithful to complete in you."

God is Funny and Sometimes Sets Us Up!!

God is funny and sometimes He sets us up. He knows our end from our beginning, but its funny how sometimes things play out. This last weekend proved that one. I normally do not listen to Televangelists, (aka tv preachers) except a couple. But it seemed no matter who they were even big named ones, and ones I did not know at all they all had the same exact message: YOU ARE NOT A SLAVE NO LONGER TO YOUR PAST, OR THE WORDS OF FAILURE SPOKEN OVER YOU IN YOUR PAST. THE SHACKLES ARE LOOSED AND THEY ARE HOLDING YOU NO MORE. ..... So then i wake up this morning and the different preachers are saying the same thing........... i go to church, and Pastor has a word of knowledge that someone needed to hear the same thing. and know that God is going to use everything in the past for his good. and that that person needed to know no matter what you are beautiful and going to be used by God. Then he went on to preach about David and Goliath how Goliath tormented Isreal for so long they became slaves to the words that he spoke over them, and how he tried to do the same with david, But David knew who he was in Christ. Pastor related the movie clip from The Karate Kid, where Danielson is at Mr Miagi's house painting the house, waxing the car, and sanding the floor. He feels he is just a slave, he certainly learning any karate. OR so he thought. after the frustration of not learning he gets after Mr Miagi, and Mr Miagi in turn gets frustrated at Danielson, and puts him through what he had been learning. Danielson was then free and not a slave no longer, because he learned what he thought was his shakels were now his power and weapons, when needed to be used. For us The past can bind us, it has me at times, especially lately, ive felt there was no way i can get over certain past sins ive committed, and im worthless and not going to be used of God. But then with these reminders this weekend, i have learned that God is there, and can use anything to free us. and use my sin, my shortcomings, my failures, my pain for His Glory.

There is NOT a Rose Garden Without Thorns

To have a rose garden there has to be thorns. Now im sure there are some breeders out there who know how to make a rose bush not have any thorns. But for the most part there are thorns in the roses. When we deal with issues in our lives they are the thorns of our rose stems. Our pain is sharp and prickley like that of a rose stem if you dont cut it away first before handling it. Today my pain my rose bush has become nothing but thorns, nothing good i seem to think will ever become beautiful. I certainly cant see it among my pain of remembering the abuse in my lifetime. I see one patch of thorns after another and another, and i kinda feel like bere rabbit from Song of the South, when he keeps getting into the brier patches of the thorns. He didnt learn his lesson till its to late, Am i the same way? Sure when things started out i was young and too innocent to know right and wrong, but as i got older, certainly i could have trimmed back the brier patch and not chosen the guys, or men who were going to hurt me right? maybe yes maybe no. I dont know. Theres a phrase most christians abuse even though its straight out of the bible; The promise the God doesnt give more then we can bear. Well thats all good and well ppl, But this girl, has baren enough, and she is tired, and lonely, and afraid of all the things in life that has happend to her. Im tired of being hurt, Im tired of looking over my shoulder, of not trusting anyone. Those are the Thorns I have on my rose bush. I know down deep inside however that God truley is going to use this and make my garden a beautiful one, and one by one he is going to help me shave off the thorns, and give me a crown of glory. Till then, Know that im human, I cant fogive as easily as i should, I cannot forget either, that is only God to do that. I cant get over something either as fast as you can say Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious either, so be patient with me im work in progress. We all are. Basically what it comes down too is God didnt give a rose garden to just walk through without the thorns, He gave us the rose garden to work things out.

just dont know

Ive stayed away this week from everyone and anything. dont really know why except maybe the new disagnosis I got from the counselor was shell shocking. Its one thing to know what you deal with everyday but to find out there is more things wrong with you; well it leaves you in a loop. She (counselor therepist whatever)told me i hae emotional detachment disorder. and that explains a lot of what is going on with me. and my job this week was to start feeling attached to my feelings when they come up? QUESTION? How does one do that when they have never be in tune with thier feelings.? give me a break. I know God is there, and he knows exactly how to handle it.............. but GOOD GOD how many more dxs can one person have without being legally insane. personally i think im going more insane with every new dx that they through on me. course a few of those dx's have been right and are right. I dont know.................

testamony

So an interesting thing popped up today, a friend i used to run with, and did drugs with killed himself today. At first when i got the call, I didnt know what to feel, think, act, do. I was just dumbfounded. So I sat and processed it out. Here I sit, 15 years clean, and yet all my other drug friends i used to hang with are still using, and dealing. Why ME and not Them? is what i was thinking, Like I got my life straightened out why cant they? That choice isnt for me to decide for them, they got to do that on thier own. But I relize today that i am recovered from addiction, i dont want to use, and i dont want to drink even with this sad news. So God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

whirlwinds

whirlwinds are nice to look at but not fun to be in. They suddenly grab you up and you spin so far out of control you dont know what way you are moving. Emotions can be like a whirlwind. you seem to be planted on the ground, then all of a sudden you are swept up and in all sorts of emotions you didnt even think you were feeling. Its hard to stop the whirlwind but eventually everything does stop and does come back to normal is. jsut sometimes you never know how long its going to be. but hang in there it will end soon.

just stick to what you say

the most annoying thing in life i think is when people tell you something that they are going to do and then they dont follow through with it. Promises made and then they are broken. Ya sure life happens, but does life happen everyday and every month for the same promise to get broke? I think NOT. God tells us to let our yes be yes and our no be no. Its hard to do. But if you truley mean YES then follow through, and if you truely mean NO then say NO and mean it. course im learning the latter. Im also learning to not get bullied into what other people want from me. Boundaries are good. very good. very healthy. important.

Trading My Sorrows by Darrell Evans

Mighty To Save by HillSongs

Innocence

I watch a lot of old tv shows, you name the old series i watch it. back when I was a teenager parents made a lot of comments about tv smut, I think the most smutful show on was L.A. Law, and Melrose Place. I watch Melrose Place on reruns now, and 90210 (wow are we old) and I am pretty amazed how those shows then were innocent, the had the issues of the day, the real issues we were dealing with, Today tv has shows for teenagers that are just one film splice of a porn movie. I cant believe how every episode has immediatly kids going to bed with each other. Is that what this world has come too, Hollywood telling our kids go out be safe but have fun, OK ya it always has, But gone are the PSA messages that say dont do drugs, dont drink , and its ok to wait till you are married to have sex. Not no more. Im also amazed at how we have these stupid tv ratings, and shows from yesturday has PG or PG13 ratings, give me a break why does Little house on a prairie warrent a PG13 rating. my goodness have we come a long way. TO BE YOUNG AND INNOCENT AGAIN

Worship then and now

i was sitting today at my computer with the song "Mighty to Save" going through my head. Its an awesome song, its a Hillsong song so ofcourse its awesome. Anyways I wanted to hear it so badly i brought YouTube up to see if anyone posted it. sure enough there was a couple on there. I spent the next hour or so going through YouTube pulling up different Christian Artist from back in the 80s and 90s. Dare i say wow what times have changed. The songs we had back in the 80s like "Seventy times Seven" by Whiteheart, talking about forgiveness we need to extend to one another, "Living in Ladocia" by Steve Camp talking about how God commanded us to not be lukewarm or he would spew us from his mouth. I could go on and on. But the thing that struck me is back then Artist talked about God and his love and mercy and power so strongly back then in concerts. What happend?

It also caused me to break out the old worship CDs i have and listen to them. I havent heard a lot of those old songs in forever. My how the church is missing out on not singing them anymore. I would love to sing a few sundays of "Oh Lord You are Beautiful", or "Lord you are more precious then Silver", or even 'He who Began a Good work in you" even the old hymns we are missing so much from not singing these anymore.

It doesnt matter how one worships, loud, quiet, reading time, non reading, we are created to worship our Creator. 24/7/365 thats what its all about. we did it then, why cant we do it now?

A Year of Stepping Out

In September I took a step out card from the missions booth at church. With a sense of Im going to go on that trip no matter what Lord. It has been a long haul to get there. Word eventually came that the summer trip i wanted to be a part of was canceled. I was left with despair, and wondering yet again; "Why Lord?" Thy Why answere did not come for a while. Until a couple weeks ago at church I was told i was invitied to join the spring break trip. I was overjoyed and yet a little overwhelmed. That is in two months and I dont know if I could come up with the money in time. But i was told to put in my $50.00 deposit check, and let go and let God do the rest. Im not stressing anymore about it, well ok maybe that isnt entirly true, but im not fretting over it either. God provides all our needs, and He alone will give us the desires of our hearts. This trip, missions as it is, has been a desire of mine for the last 10 years. 10 years ago i would watch Tommy Barnnett on TV and listen to his dream of having this huge center to help people of Los Angeles' inner city, I wanted to be a part of it. to reach out to the broken hearted just as Christ tells us to do. Ya i can do this from the homefront. But I knew way back then i was called to go. If only once in my life. And now it has given me a renewed hope and faith that God does call all of his people to do things. You just have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone and into the fires sorta speak. And ill definatly be out of my comfort zone on all sorts of levals, Flying (hate it and phobic about it) , being in a dorm setting on many levals (scares me as ive never had to do that before except for an over night setting once) Having to wear Tshirts and Jeans the whole time, because i cant wear shorts or tank tops. (oyvey my hotflashes are going to kill me in the hot sun LOL) And realy what it comes down too, Is that I dont know what giftings Im bringing down with me. All I have to offer now, is my big heart to help people and my willingness to listen and just GO. So take this year to Move and Step out in Faith.