frustration

frustrations come in different forms to me right now, thinking i lost my makeup being the most pressing, now burning the lasgna is another. I vent when im frustrated, im not thinking of others when im venting. but do any of us?? I know having a tv isnt important except right now it would help my sanity. makeup no normally i dont need makeup except when i do my yearly dressup. I do think most of the time when im not in a rut or funk, or whatever think of others. and help those.

Lost and Found, and still out of Reach

three years has gone by. not a day goes by that i dont think of you. wonder where you are, how you are, what you are doing. if you got married yet. if you still are driving delievery trucks for hazard waste material. wonder about the kids, the oldest should be about 17 or 18 ya? the other two i wonder about them too. then i sit and i wonder what really happend to make you leave me? what sin did i commit, what wrong did i do for you to go out of my life yet again? I try to piece it together, but i cant. I know she didnt like me and i didnt trust her, i know my ex friend had a thing for you, and you flirted with her, NOW that ex friend isnt in the picture i wonder if said friend made it all up, but you were fed lies too; so you took the easy out and stopped talking to me. I know im a little much to handle, ive got a lot that the normal person shouldnt have to deal with in thier lifetime, and i know i was a burden on you when we were together last. If you were here in my life, id tell you, i love you and i have misssed you, id tell you wish i could tell you im better, but actually im not ive been getting worse and worse. I wish i could tell you that everything is going to be ok with me, but i cant. because i dont know when or if it ever will be. I wish i can tell you i found that one lady who took our last day together away with her lies, and caused my last breakdown. Theres so much i wish i could tell you. How i need you back in my life, because just the sound of your voice puts me at ease. How i need you back to help me deal with the one you put away. Then id sit and and id tell you that I dont mean to be sick, i dont mean to have all thats wrong with me wrong with me. Id tell you that i am a good person, on my good days. Id tell you that I need you in my life again so i can get better. id tell you that no matter what happens, who i am at the time, who or what comes out of me, i always love you, even when i was little and knew of you but you didnt know i exsisted. You and i had a connection over the course of my life, and somehow it got broken, i dont feel safe anymore, you were always there at least somehow i was always able to feel you; but havent for a couple of years. I need you back in my life so despartly right now, i hope that you get that message my friend left for you, and i hope you do call me back.

So its easy to talk to some but not others?

today i told youth pastor what was going on with me, because for some odd ball reason i trust him, maybe it ws the week in california together we had on the missions trip. or maybe because he was a soilder at one time and knows a little of PTSD. I dunno, But why was i able to trust him and not my own pastor. Is it because 4 years ago he helped me>?? Then why was i able to tell the other husband and wife team that i dont know well, but they work with abuse victims, sooo is that why??? I dont know and dont understand why im able to vent to others and others i just wish they wouldnt press it. Why am i scared of other ppl but yet im not scared of certain ones.???

I saw you standing there

Ok so maybe you thought you could hide forever. Or maybe you thought i was so messed up that i would forget what you looked like, or how you walked, or whatever. It looks like you can walk now, without aid. When I saw you walking down the street i immediately knew who you were. For 4 years i havent forgotton your face, its been ingraned into me, and what you did to me. Keeping my family, and church friends away from me, Keeping me dopped up on pills to where all i did for two to three weeks is sleep. And when i did wake up i didnt have any clothese on? Give me a break. What hell did you put me through? YOu had my head spinning so fast you said i had tried to kill you, or that i was going to drive us over a cliff, And you have my medical records so messed up that i dont know what i am or am not allergic too anymore. Its because of you that I dont and cant trust any woman, You are the sickest person i know... claiming to be a christian, and then at a weakest moment taking me and using me for whatever pleaseure you got out of it. I hope to hell it haunts you. I will find a way for justice to be served. I might not be able to prove that you stole from me, but i will find a way of getting justice and the truth out of you. I know where you are at now, you better be watching for me, because it wont be pretty. Heaven knows ppl like you dont deserve the ground you slowly walk on.

****wrote this out of disgust and anger, its all talk when it comes down to it, the law is the law, and statutes of limitations are over, so she can go on free as a bird., I can only hope her brain will remember what she did to me, and can hope and pray she will have nightmares over it, and will come clean one day.**********

Song at the right time

A friend sent me this song, and it speaks volumes to me right now, and even im at peace for the moment..,.....



Love In His Right Hand
Sung by: Michael W. Smith

he accepts you at your worst
he is hoping for the best
jesus loves you
jesus loves you
he will never ever leave
he will never ever forsake
jesus loves you
jesus loves you
he is proud of who you are
and he has faith in who you'll become
he's not like us he loves you just because
he's not like us he loves you just because
broken hearted do you want your healin'
oh trust again
there is love at his right hand
broken hearted do you want your healin'
oh trust again
there is love at his right hand
he believes your dreams are true
and what a plan for you
jesus loves you
jesus loves you
when you want to walk away
he is asking you to stay
jesus loves you
jesus loves you
you will never be alone
he's made your heart his loving home
he's not like us he loves you just because
he's not like us he loves you just because

broken hearted do you want your healin'
oh trust again
there is love at his right hand
broken hearted do you want your healin'
oh trust again
there is love at his right hand

oh trust again there is love at his right hand
broken hearted do you want your healin'
oh trust again
there is love at his right hand
broken hearted do you want your healin'
oh trust again
there is love at his right hand
oh trust again there is love at his right hand

it has a name

this spot im in has a name, its called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. very common with trauma victims, its just not for soldiers anymore. We mapped out at least 8 events in my life, im sure not even all of them were mentioned yet. now we have to dig into these events to get me to feel normal again to the way i relate to the world. So it doesnt feel like my world is stopping. going to get intense real fast. we will see how it goes. i dont know what to feel now, or how to feel. my mania is simmered down, but that could be because i have a cold, adn my body is tired. I dont know.

ants

ants might be no big deal for someone who doesnt panic, but i panic and to me they are the nastiest thing alive. id rather see spiders then ants. all the managment of this house can say is oh well stop spraying and let the trapps take the poison back to the nest. hello cant put a trap in the stove or oven, cant put a trap down the damned sink......... so whatever ill keep trapping and spraying and they can go to hell, but the day i get overrun, with them again is the day there will be hell to pay. If i lose the bit of sanity i got left, over this believe me there will be hell to pay. freaking low income housing sucks in this matter.

so i understand a little

so maybe your side isnt as bad as it seemed. maybe i understand that you are a loving person, and that you dont relize how physcial touch means death to me right now. I see your side how the normal situation is to give love physically by touching, and how right now im flipping the tables that say NO. What else do you want?? And then to answer me with a little space is OK for now?? OMG do you know what that does. it says a little but im still going to touch you. So then i get it all out, and vent and am told a little is all you can give, and i will respect your space.

then why does it still feel like ive been violated???

Church SAFE part two

To make matters a little more complicated lets add the fact that the person who evaluated me at the hospital a week ago goes to church at the same place and time. Lets add that today there ws only two spots left for him and his wife to sit and they were smack dab infront of me. I dont know if he is playing like he dont know me, or he doesnt want to set me off or hinder me anymore, but good grief GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Church SAFE???

Church....... Safe Place ya??? Thats what is preached?? So define your understanding of SAFE. To me SAFE means we arent going to make you do anything you dont want to do, or dont want to have happen. SAFE Means if I DONT WANT TO BE TOUCHED THEN YOU BETTER NOT TOUCH ME AND RESPECT ME, even if its a hug, or a side hug, ILL LET YOU KNOW WHEN ITS SAFE TO TOUCH ME. To me right now you just blew the biggest, safest place i know. YOu became a threat to me. And You are the one person im supposed to trust with this stuff. How can I do that if you touch me, when i dont want to be touched???? In logical minds Church is the safe place, and I know somewhere in my head no one is going to hurt me there. Or that you arent going to hurt me. But that doesnt stop my panic from being less, I panic because i dont know why. So next time i say DONT TOUCH ME please DONT TOUCH ME unless i offer my hand for a handshake.

and then it blew up in my face

went a day and a half with having a good day, was able to laugh and joke and feel ok. the last night it blew up in my face at the kids halloween party. all it took was being around the loud noise, and the balloons popping, and screaming girls who didnt want a toy gun aimed at them. Course no one else saw what i saw, they didnt think it was a problem. HELLO you dont allow that type of stuff. so it made me edgy, No structure didnt help either. The kids were not listening at all. I just couldnt handle it. Was able to help two kids and that was it when they needed a friend. So it made me agitated. I wont be going and helping with another party at all.then my dad pissed me off and set me off by teling me where he was going and what he ws doing. cable got shut off in the middle of the night. and now its taking forever to turn it on. the urge to cutt is there, and though i promised someone i wouldnt its still there.

im supposed to do wha??

counseling yesturday went well, i think. I was talking so fast im not sure what i got out and what i didnt get out. I know i covered i didnt feel validated at the hospital much. and made to feel like an idiot because i cant work. So Jay told me to work on coming up with things that he would tell me. In other words Me sit in his chair and thing about what i said and come up with things he should tell me from his perspective. OYVEY. You want me to do wha?? How am i supposed to know what to say. I dont know Ill think about it and give it a try i guess. ve never heard of it but will try it. I just wish i could remember what i said. that might help.

Panic attacks Hospitals, and People who dont listen

the last few days have been filled with pure panic. I dont know where they came from or what spurred them on. Normal ppl can say stop panicking, you wont die, everything is ok...... Ya?? That doesnt help. I know theres nothing to panick about really. But that doesnt help when im in the middle of one. Because last nights was so bad I went into the hospital for some help I was given some xanax and then they tell me : To walk 10 minutes a day. That will help you. UM NEWSFLASH WERE YOU LISTENING WHEN I SAID I GET LOST EASILY OR IM AFRAID TO GO IN PUBLIC??? OR lets try this one: Are you afraid you are going to hurt yourself?? UMM I DONT KNOW IF IM AFRAID, BUT I AM THINKING ABOUT CUTTING AGAIN??????? Hellloooooo moron, Cutting might be different from a plan of sucide, But it still means im a small risk to myself if the feelings are there. And then there is the big one because they made me feel like crap because I havent been able to get into see my counselor for three weeks. NO EXCUSE they said. THANKS IDIOT YOU JUST MADE ME FEEL WORSE THEN WHEN I CAME IN. Oh and lets give you a prescription to get you over the worst, then call this number so you can see someone regularly. HELLO I JUST TOLD YOU I HAVE NO INSURANCE NO WAY OF PAYING FOR SAID STUFF, HELP ME OUT HERE, FIND SOMETHING. Of course thier response was SORRY DONT KNOW HOW TO HELP WITH THAT. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr