black out

i know i had a memory today of wayne, during this time of year i always remember him, it was during this time of year that i was with him. He was the worst i ever had, but i kept going back to him, i didnt know better. the memory was bad enough i dont remember being at church, or going to the store to check my bloodpressure, or coming home. this is riduclous.
to try to stay current is been impossible i had to write 2008 on my white boards, to remind me. i hope the doctor can give me something for the anxiety during the day. and tell me how to deal with the memories, if not jay and i will be working back on them and im afraid that will set me off again..........................

HELLLOOOOOOOOO MCFLY

I SHOULD HAVE LEFT WELL ENOUGH ALONE. I SHOULDNT HAVE EVEN CALLED. BUT NO I THOUGHT MY SISTER WOULD BE SUPPORTIVE OF ME OR AT LEAST GIVE ME KIND WORDS NOT
"YOU JUST NEED JESUS IN YOUR HEART INSTEAD OF TAKING MEDICATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
OHHH JUST WAIT IT FREAKING GETS BETTER, SHE ALSO ASKED ME WHO I THOUGHT ABUSED ME AS A KID........... HELLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I KNOW WHO ABUSED ME AS A KID................................ SHE GOES ON TO SAY THAT SHE THINKS MY FATHER DID WHEN I WAS A KID.................................... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I DONT REMEMBER THAT............. I CANT FATHOM THAT................................................. I CANT EVEN IMAGINE HIM DOING THAT..................................................... HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DOESNT SHE REALIZE IM FRESH OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND TRYING TO STAY OUT OF IT???????/ WHAT THE HELL WAS SHE THINKING???????????????????????

NOW I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS THOUGHT IN MY BRAIN, AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO GET IT OUT, I SURE AS HELL CANT EXPLORE THE IDEA, I SURE AS HELL CANT JUST UP AND ASK HIM IF HE ABUSED ME.........................................

AS FAR AS FAMILY GOES I FINALLY HAVE PROVEN TO MYSELF THAT I HAVE NO ONE............... ITS ME MYSELF AND I ................................... FAMILY CANT BE TRUSTED................................ EVER AGAIN........................

SOME THANKGIVING ONLY ONE IN MY LIFETIME HAS BEEN WITHOUT A FIGHT OR ANYTHING BAD HAPPENING AND THAT WAS LAST YEARS AT HER DAUGHTERS.

WHATEVER

why cant i remember

brain is like mush, i should know how to fix a turkey dinner......... frustration if these are the pills at work IDONT WNAT THEM NO MORE............. how can someone function if they are like this........ i cant remember nothing, and i cant keep calling and running to the neighbors. I dont know maybe something else is wrong with me. this just sucks and im about to lose it.

i dont know why i cant keep current

frustrations, and anger abound
cant stay in the current year, time means nothing. and if i do do somthing then it has to be precisly on time and to the minute. I dont know why it is that way. I know it should seem i should be able to stay current in the year but not with my mothers voice in my head the memories of her yelling at me for being sick, the memories of her yelling at me for taking medications, I want to get better im trying i really am.............. im overwhelemed with the kitchen it hasnt been kept up since i washed a few dishes on whatever day it was, dad is supposed to help most of those arent even mine. I dont know where to start, had to have a neightbor come and help me organize my food pantry, we put stuff i needed for tomrrow in a box to make it easier. I dunno why i cant do simple things, its like im learning all over again on how to do things. or even what to do. I dont understand the first step to process anything.
it was easier in the hospital. didnt have anything to worry about other then the times they told you where to be and what you were going to be doing. I dont understand im confused.

seeing things for the first time

the last few days its like im seeing things for the first time ever. I never relized all these years i was on auto pilot so much to where i dont know where things are or how to get places, or whatever........................

though i dont like being slow, i know that the meds are working, although today is a confusion day, i cant talk right and im nervouse about going to church. maybe that will pass i dunno i hope.

sleepless night and affection

had a sleepless night tonight, well ok that aint true, i did sleep for 7 hours, but i woke up early , and so did dad, he came into my room crying asking me if i was ok...... Ya im fine, i just dont sleep sometimes. then to give me a hug and cry i love you......... blah, are you feeling guilty??? why all of a sudden are you worried about it??? my dad never gave me affection as a kid, never once helped me as a kid, and certainly never was there for me as a kid, so why as an adult would i be able to accept his affection now???

you came back to me

you knew in your heart that things were bad,
you came back to me.
theres a tie that goes deeper then just normal brother sister relationship, even though we are 5 years apart its like we have this twin thing going.
im so glad you are going to be in my life again. ive missed you and need you so much.

the psych hospital

i never knew how sick i was until i was admitted to a psych hospital. I had a major breakdown, and tried to hurt myself. i dont remmeber much ecept i told my friend "I cant promise you ill be safe, and i cant promise i wont hurt myself, and i wont make it till tuesday." One night in the ER half a day in the ER, then going to another place, which was supposed to be 24 hour help, wasnt, back to the ER till late, then off to the psych hospital.
It wasnt like i thought it was, i was met by friendly staff people, was able to eat, slept as late as i wanted the first day anyways, and could sleep as much as i wanted the first two days. By the third day iw as going to classes, and learning stuff, Hopefully i can cope without too much trouble out here. Plans are in place, things getting done, I know God is good, because he allowed me to ask for help. What the devil ment for evil God is going to turn it for good someday. He allowed me to cheer someone up while in there using sign language. and gave me good contacts for after. Im glad it happend, though i pray i dont go through it again. I have to remmber medications arent the enemy Not being on PROPER meds is.

need a little help and being sued

ofcourse i know that things are not going to go away just because i dont face them. but the fact remains you were on the loan as a cosigner, you are responsible too, if not for legal purposes, for moral.......... oh ya i forgot you dont have any morals because if you did, you wouldnt have let me do what i did. and you would have known i was not in the right frame of mind to be doing of what i did, or spend what i spent. but no you let me and my dad spend over 3,000 on your ass and you are getting away with it. doesnt matter i hope you rot. now im being sued for it and i dont have anything to say to the judge except i dont know how it happend, or why it happend, and when i have tried to make payment arragments they wouldnt take what i could give...........

whatever


helping around the house i get none,,,,,,,, no wonder im tired all the damn time.

i dont know why

i dont know why i go into a no touch zone, after three good days.......... i dont know why i yell at ppll and it sounds like me when its not thats the DID its how it works. there is no ryme or reason. it just is

AMERICA IS GOING TO HELL

AMERICA IS GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET. WITH THE NEW ELECTED PRESIDENT WHO HAS A SHADY PAST (ANYONE WHO TRIES TO HIDE HOW THEY WERE RAISED IS SHADY TO ME) WHO IS IN FAVOR OF ABORTION, AND WHO MAINLY DOESNT SALUTE THE FLAG, OR PLEDGE TO THE FLAG, OR BELIEVE IN GOD........... MARK MY WORDS WE WILL HAVE BLOOD ON OUR HANDS.

opening of pandoras box

going to therapy, making good progress i guess, some things come out that have been needed to come out for a long time.............. but now that the memories are flooding out, and we are tring to get stablization, to function, the news comes that ill have to start paying. which i should be lucky t only pay a small fee, but no income equals no money right now. we open pandoras box of memories, sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, and now because i cant afford it i have to clos those memories off somehow and try to live >??? how does that work??? because so far it hasnt worked. wWhat good is having a grant that is supposed to give free counseling and not use it.