scared

dont know why i should be........ but i am........... im afraid to go out the door, to go to new places, to go to places i used to enjoy.............. im afraid that if i tell the new doctor that he will committ me again............... im afraid that aaron will committ me again. I dont know whats causing it. i thought when i left the hospital i was going to be ok, but it seems my phobias are just getting worse............. could it be just the season, and the memories around this time???? i logically have no reason to fear aaron, hes not going to hurt me. he might be tough on me right now, but i guess i deserve that one. im kinda of his nightmare right now after 18 years.

is it a spiritual thing or just chalk it up to chemical imbalances that are yet to be discovered. was a week inside the hospital enough time? Do i need to go back again>>?? all i know is i cant live my life using my calming technique since the only thing that calms me is a hot shower, and well cant take that many showers a day or thered be no hot water ever.

black out

i know i had a memory today of wayne, during this time of year i always remember him, it was during this time of year that i was with him. He was the worst i ever had, but i kept going back to him, i didnt know better. the memory was bad enough i dont remember being at church, or going to the store to check my bloodpressure, or coming home. this is riduclous.
to try to stay current is been impossible i had to write 2008 on my white boards, to remind me. i hope the doctor can give me something for the anxiety during the day. and tell me how to deal with the memories, if not jay and i will be working back on them and im afraid that will set me off again..........................

HELLLOOOOOOOOO MCFLY

I SHOULD HAVE LEFT WELL ENOUGH ALONE. I SHOULDNT HAVE EVEN CALLED. BUT NO I THOUGHT MY SISTER WOULD BE SUPPORTIVE OF ME OR AT LEAST GIVE ME KIND WORDS NOT
"YOU JUST NEED JESUS IN YOUR HEART INSTEAD OF TAKING MEDICATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
OHHH JUST WAIT IT FREAKING GETS BETTER, SHE ALSO ASKED ME WHO I THOUGHT ABUSED ME AS A KID........... HELLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I KNOW WHO ABUSED ME AS A KID................................ SHE GOES ON TO SAY THAT SHE THINKS MY FATHER DID WHEN I WAS A KID.................................... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I DONT REMEMBER THAT............. I CANT FATHOM THAT................................................. I CANT EVEN IMAGINE HIM DOING THAT..................................................... HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DOESNT SHE REALIZE IM FRESH OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND TRYING TO STAY OUT OF IT???????/ WHAT THE HELL WAS SHE THINKING???????????????????????

NOW I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS THOUGHT IN MY BRAIN, AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO GET IT OUT, I SURE AS HELL CANT EXPLORE THE IDEA, I SURE AS HELL CANT JUST UP AND ASK HIM IF HE ABUSED ME.........................................

AS FAR AS FAMILY GOES I FINALLY HAVE PROVEN TO MYSELF THAT I HAVE NO ONE............... ITS ME MYSELF AND I ................................... FAMILY CANT BE TRUSTED................................ EVER AGAIN........................

SOME THANKGIVING ONLY ONE IN MY LIFETIME HAS BEEN WITHOUT A FIGHT OR ANYTHING BAD HAPPENING AND THAT WAS LAST YEARS AT HER DAUGHTERS.

WHATEVER

why cant i remember

brain is like mush, i should know how to fix a turkey dinner......... frustration if these are the pills at work IDONT WNAT THEM NO MORE............. how can someone function if they are like this........ i cant remember nothing, and i cant keep calling and running to the neighbors. I dont know maybe something else is wrong with me. this just sucks and im about to lose it.

i dont know why i cant keep current

frustrations, and anger abound
cant stay in the current year, time means nothing. and if i do do somthing then it has to be precisly on time and to the minute. I dont know why it is that way. I know it should seem i should be able to stay current in the year but not with my mothers voice in my head the memories of her yelling at me for being sick, the memories of her yelling at me for taking medications, I want to get better im trying i really am.............. im overwhelemed with the kitchen it hasnt been kept up since i washed a few dishes on whatever day it was, dad is supposed to help most of those arent even mine. I dont know where to start, had to have a neightbor come and help me organize my food pantry, we put stuff i needed for tomrrow in a box to make it easier. I dunno why i cant do simple things, its like im learning all over again on how to do things. or even what to do. I dont understand the first step to process anything.
it was easier in the hospital. didnt have anything to worry about other then the times they told you where to be and what you were going to be doing. I dont understand im confused.

seeing things for the first time

the last few days its like im seeing things for the first time ever. I never relized all these years i was on auto pilot so much to where i dont know where things are or how to get places, or whatever........................

though i dont like being slow, i know that the meds are working, although today is a confusion day, i cant talk right and im nervouse about going to church. maybe that will pass i dunno i hope.

sleepless night and affection

had a sleepless night tonight, well ok that aint true, i did sleep for 7 hours, but i woke up early , and so did dad, he came into my room crying asking me if i was ok...... Ya im fine, i just dont sleep sometimes. then to give me a hug and cry i love you......... blah, are you feeling guilty??? why all of a sudden are you worried about it??? my dad never gave me affection as a kid, never once helped me as a kid, and certainly never was there for me as a kid, so why as an adult would i be able to accept his affection now???