just dont know

Ive stayed away this week from everyone and anything. dont really know why except maybe the new disagnosis I got from the counselor was shell shocking. Its one thing to know what you deal with everyday but to find out there is more things wrong with you; well it leaves you in a loop. She (counselor therepist whatever)told me i hae emotional detachment disorder. and that explains a lot of what is going on with me. and my job this week was to start feeling attached to my feelings when they come up? QUESTION? How does one do that when they have never be in tune with thier feelings.? give me a break. I know God is there, and he knows exactly how to handle it.............. but GOOD GOD how many more dxs can one person have without being legally insane. personally i think im going more insane with every new dx that they through on me. course a few of those dx's have been right and are right. I dont know.................

testamony

So an interesting thing popped up today, a friend i used to run with, and did drugs with killed himself today. At first when i got the call, I didnt know what to feel, think, act, do. I was just dumbfounded. So I sat and processed it out. Here I sit, 15 years clean, and yet all my other drug friends i used to hang with are still using, and dealing. Why ME and not Them? is what i was thinking, Like I got my life straightened out why cant they? That choice isnt for me to decide for them, they got to do that on thier own. But I relize today that i am recovered from addiction, i dont want to use, and i dont want to drink even with this sad news. So God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

whirlwinds

whirlwinds are nice to look at but not fun to be in. They suddenly grab you up and you spin so far out of control you dont know what way you are moving. Emotions can be like a whirlwind. you seem to be planted on the ground, then all of a sudden you are swept up and in all sorts of emotions you didnt even think you were feeling. Its hard to stop the whirlwind but eventually everything does stop and does come back to normal is. jsut sometimes you never know how long its going to be. but hang in there it will end soon.

just stick to what you say

the most annoying thing in life i think is when people tell you something that they are going to do and then they dont follow through with it. Promises made and then they are broken. Ya sure life happens, but does life happen everyday and every month for the same promise to get broke? I think NOT. God tells us to let our yes be yes and our no be no. Its hard to do. But if you truley mean YES then follow through, and if you truely mean NO then say NO and mean it. course im learning the latter. Im also learning to not get bullied into what other people want from me. Boundaries are good. very good. very healthy. important.

Trading My Sorrows by Darrell Evans

Mighty To Save by HillSongs

Innocence

I watch a lot of old tv shows, you name the old series i watch it. back when I was a teenager parents made a lot of comments about tv smut, I think the most smutful show on was L.A. Law, and Melrose Place. I watch Melrose Place on reruns now, and 90210 (wow are we old) and I am pretty amazed how those shows then were innocent, the had the issues of the day, the real issues we were dealing with, Today tv has shows for teenagers that are just one film splice of a porn movie. I cant believe how every episode has immediatly kids going to bed with each other. Is that what this world has come too, Hollywood telling our kids go out be safe but have fun, OK ya it always has, But gone are the PSA messages that say dont do drugs, dont drink , and its ok to wait till you are married to have sex. Not no more. Im also amazed at how we have these stupid tv ratings, and shows from yesturday has PG or PG13 ratings, give me a break why does Little house on a prairie warrent a PG13 rating. my goodness have we come a long way. TO BE YOUNG AND INNOCENT AGAIN

Worship then and now

i was sitting today at my computer with the song "Mighty to Save" going through my head. Its an awesome song, its a Hillsong song so ofcourse its awesome. Anyways I wanted to hear it so badly i brought YouTube up to see if anyone posted it. sure enough there was a couple on there. I spent the next hour or so going through YouTube pulling up different Christian Artist from back in the 80s and 90s. Dare i say wow what times have changed. The songs we had back in the 80s like "Seventy times Seven" by Whiteheart, talking about forgiveness we need to extend to one another, "Living in Ladocia" by Steve Camp talking about how God commanded us to not be lukewarm or he would spew us from his mouth. I could go on and on. But the thing that struck me is back then Artist talked about God and his love and mercy and power so strongly back then in concerts. What happend?

It also caused me to break out the old worship CDs i have and listen to them. I havent heard a lot of those old songs in forever. My how the church is missing out on not singing them anymore. I would love to sing a few sundays of "Oh Lord You are Beautiful", or "Lord you are more precious then Silver", or even 'He who Began a Good work in you" even the old hymns we are missing so much from not singing these anymore.

It doesnt matter how one worships, loud, quiet, reading time, non reading, we are created to worship our Creator. 24/7/365 thats what its all about. we did it then, why cant we do it now?

A Year of Stepping Out

In September I took a step out card from the missions booth at church. With a sense of Im going to go on that trip no matter what Lord. It has been a long haul to get there. Word eventually came that the summer trip i wanted to be a part of was canceled. I was left with despair, and wondering yet again; "Why Lord?" Thy Why answere did not come for a while. Until a couple weeks ago at church I was told i was invitied to join the spring break trip. I was overjoyed and yet a little overwhelmed. That is in two months and I dont know if I could come up with the money in time. But i was told to put in my $50.00 deposit check, and let go and let God do the rest. Im not stressing anymore about it, well ok maybe that isnt entirly true, but im not fretting over it either. God provides all our needs, and He alone will give us the desires of our hearts. This trip, missions as it is, has been a desire of mine for the last 10 years. 10 years ago i would watch Tommy Barnnett on TV and listen to his dream of having this huge center to help people of Los Angeles' inner city, I wanted to be a part of it. to reach out to the broken hearted just as Christ tells us to do. Ya i can do this from the homefront. But I knew way back then i was called to go. If only once in my life. And now it has given me a renewed hope and faith that God does call all of his people to do things. You just have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone and into the fires sorta speak. And ill definatly be out of my comfort zone on all sorts of levals, Flying (hate it and phobic about it) , being in a dorm setting on many levals (scares me as ive never had to do that before except for an over night setting once) Having to wear Tshirts and Jeans the whole time, because i cant wear shorts or tank tops. (oyvey my hotflashes are going to kill me in the hot sun LOL) And realy what it comes down too, Is that I dont know what giftings Im bringing down with me. All I have to offer now, is my big heart to help people and my willingness to listen and just GO. So take this year to Move and Step out in Faith.